Letting Go Of Structure, Can I?

Things that make me feel loose and disjointed:

• Unplanned mealtimes - eat when you are hungry
• Waking up when you are done sleeping - anywhere from 6 til noon
• Going to bed when you want to, not need to
• Not having a list of things to do
• Not being on a carefully planned diet
• No schedule

This stuff makes me feel out of order.
What is wrong with that?
These things make me feel loose and disjointed, I said that already.
These words also mean: unbound, free, loosened, unrestrained...
They also bring on feelings like: out of control, falling off the edge, disorganized, chaotic, and heaven forbid, messy.

Yes, my house is messy. Everything sits half done. Nothing really crazily out of order, except my mind needs pulling together. Like I'm missing, or lost a few screws upstairs.

I have to say I really like a schedule. I like restriction, to a point. I think it's because I love order and progress, and getting things done was my motto for years.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to be Christain He's like this when he has time off, or sometimes even when does have a job in line. He acts like there is:

• no clock
• no set plan
• no one waiting on him
• nothing unless he decides to

Completely irritating.

I feel like I'm tasting a food I've never tried before, actually one I've always scorned.
I don't want to be narrow minded and not like it because of my belief system that would never allow such a way of life. I dont want to be stubborn and not have any pleasure in it. I don't want to loose a treasure.

Super Woman says, This is heresy.
My young self can't believe her eyes.
The mother says, You are not getting anything done.
The wife says, Husband will be happy.

I want to see if it is ok for me, actually try it out and on. Will it be easier, will I heal faster, does it even matter any more? Have I over rated structure and order all these years?

What I've thrived on before, the energy, the high was a trip, a fast one to this fatigue that has led to this lack of structure. Because fatigue is what it is: tired and worn out. That is how I see myself. I accidentally took a surprise photo of myself and that is just what I looked like:
This frayed, cracked overstretched rubber band that wont go back. No regeneration of cells. Breast and arm tissue, my navel, my fallen seat all sadly succumbed to the laws of gravity and lost.

The inevitable sag.

Even my chin shows where I am on my timeline, can't hide that one in some accoutrement.

Still, where or what am I? Structured or Unregulated.